i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
