Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize