I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
