do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
