did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
