you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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