I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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