Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
