just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
