You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
did you just send me my own nude
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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