xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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