I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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