Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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