just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
