Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
