Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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