Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
