I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
