he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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