Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
