My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
