you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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