Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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