I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
