Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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