No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
