I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
