I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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