just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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