What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
