i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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