I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Randomize
