does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
