Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
