apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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