This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
There's even glitter on my cock...
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