Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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