That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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