you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
