Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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