My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize