he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
