I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
