i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
