Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
