I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
