note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
