and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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