there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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