hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
