kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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