Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
