We named our party play list daddy issues
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
