Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Im part way to drunk.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
