my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
