Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
