mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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