Old men and throwing up are my life now.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
